Wednesday, May 23, 2012

the next few weeks.

i don't know what got into me last night, but lately i have been having a realization that i am about to have a baby. the fear and anxiety is starting to take over. last night, i just cried myself to sleep. i think it just hit me that i'm about to be a mother. i know, i know. you're thinking, "haven't you had 9 months to process this?" not really. my first trimester i was so worried about keeping the baby in there that i didn't even think about being a mother. the second trimester, i thought i had a while to process it that it was insane to even think about it. now, i am nearing the end and i am totally freaking out.

the things that freak me out are kind of weird. of course, i am terrified of the actual laboring process. i DO NOT and CAN NOT handle pain very well. i want drugs as soon as i get into the hospital, and i know that is just not how the process goes. i've heard awful stories about labor, so i am not looking forward to that at all. plus, all these changes that are going on in my body are just weirding me out. i had to go to the new life center last weekend because i was having some stomach pain that just would not go away. they said though i was not dilated my cervix was starting to soften. that scared the crap out of me. i know it's nothing in comparison to what else is going to happen, but it is the beginning.

then, after i go through all of that scary labor stuff, i am going to be someone's mother. not just anyone's mother. the mother of a little girl. i always wanted a little girl. actually, everything i ever wanted as far as marriage and a family came true. but, now that i am actually having a little girl, i am scared out of my wits. some people say that little boys are little terrors. they are into everything and all over the place. but, those people did not know me when i was a little girl. i was a horrible child. but, other than that, i don't know anything about babies. my philosophy so far has been "not my baby, not my problem." your baby starts crying? i just hand him back to you. but, this is MY baby. i can't just hand it off to someone else. i have to change her diaper (which i have no idea how to do). i have to feed her. i have to make sure she's okay.

okay, so i'll stop this terrifying rant. but, just so you all know. i am truly terrified right now by all of these things. what are some things you were terrified about?

1 comment:

  1. You'll be a great Mom! It's amazing how much knowledge you gain just by bringing a baby home. I remember thinking, "I have no idea how often to feed this thing or how to burp it" but then we came home from the hospital and I just knew. It's just part of that mothering instinct. As far as labor goes, you can't listen to anyone else's story. Everybody's experience is different. I had a great labor experience, and I'm expecting the same this time but I also realize that it may be different than that. Just think about the end of things and how you'll have a precious baby girl in your arms. There is only so much you can be prepared for ahead of time. Probably 90% of things you will just have to learn as you go.